Infants and Parolees: Not So Different, After All

During their first year of life, babies are a lot like newly released prison inmates. After spending nine months in isolation, they need some time to adjust to life on the outside. And like their criminal counterparts, they've used their time getting fit.

Amniotic aerobics must really work those core muscles, because all babies are blessed with superhuman strength. Sure, it tapers off as they get older, but once the shock of birth has worn off, for a short time, they remember their training on the inside.

Some infants are boxers. Those tiny jabs to the kidneys during the third trimester suddenly make sense. With no room for an actual punching bag, your kid is nothing if not resourceful. Now free to roam the carpeted and baby-proofed world, you can't figure out why he insists on punching you in the gut when you go in for a hug.

Others prefer kickboxing. Your bladder knew which type of parolee you'd have long before she was born. Your boobs had an inkling as they withstood blow after blow of roundhouse kicks during nursing. Even your husband couldn't help but notice the bruises developing during "play time".

Luckily, your bruised and battered body has enough wear left to survive. The really interesting part is watching your sweetie harness and embrace his developing powers. Witnessing a rubber ducky as it's hurled through space and time warrants more than a "What an arm" remark.

Likewise, when your little angel realizes she can single-footedly prevent you from attaching the tray to her high chair, it's a proud day. With so much leg strength, your measly arms just don't measure up to the one-two combination of kicks knocking that tray off the tracks.

So the question is, how do you suffer injury and delay of meals with a straight face? How do you find that medium between keeping your sense of humor while showing your baby who's boss? After all, you don't want to risk becoming the "bad parent" so many people have warned you about. The answer? Here it is. Wait for it. Oh, it's coming.

All new parents are asking that same question. Seasoned parents will be happy to tell you as soon as they get the kids to bed, wash the dishes, fold the laundry... what was the question again?

The truth is, there is no magical medium. Sometimes all you can do is close your eyes and count to ten. It's just a perk that trying to stifle your laughter looks remarkably like controlling your temper. (The kids don't need to know that secret until they have children of their own.) Besides, you have his entire childhood to raise him properly, while her super strength will only last a little while.

BabyBjorn Baby Carrier Original Review

BabyBjorn Baby Carrier Original

What parent doesn't want a hands-free way to tote their tot? The BabyBjorn Baby Carrier Original is a great world- and mom-facing carrier designed to assist in hefting your new bundle around, while also leaving your arms available for those push ups you're trying to cram in. It also provides support for bobble-headed newborns who still lack the neck strength to hold their noggins on their own.


Photo by babybjorn.com

For brand new babies, it's designed for cradling against mommy's chest in an effort to promote bonding. Older tykes enjoy a broader perspective when turned outward in full view of the world. While the mom-facing design is theoretically great for eye contact and closeness, my daughter wasn't a fan of being forced to gaze at my mug. I couldn't coax her into hanging out in this carrier so long as I was the view.

Photo by babybjorn.com

For other moms who might experience this snag, don't give up. Once she was old enough to hold her head up, she absolutely loved seeing the world from the arms-waving-feet-dangling perspective offered by the Baby Bjorn.

It's easy to use and the adjustable straps grow with your child. The price can range between $60-$80 and it makes a great registry item. Even though I wasn't able to use it for the first several months, I'd recommend it as an example of delayed gratification.

Leachco Snoogle Total Body Pillow Review

There comes a time in every pregnancy when a woman realizes she just can't get comfortable in bed. That ever-growing belly makes it difficult to find a position where falling asleep is possible. Back? Doctor says that's a no-go. Side? Not with the new pressure from a tiny stowaway. Stomach? Not unless you want to squish your hitchhiker. What's an exhausted girl to do? Get used to it! Just kidding.

Copyright Leachco

For me, my answer came in the form of a large 'C' shaped body pillow called the Leachco Snoogle Total Body Pillow. After trying regular pillows and makeshift sleep wedges formed from cut up Tempur-Pedic material, I finally gave in and decided to spend a little cash. My sister had recommended this noodle-like cushion and I figured she, as an experienced mom, would know best.

Copyright Leachco

Oh, Snoogle; I applaud you. This versatile cloud worked wonders for my sheep counting. Total Body Pillow, indeed - stretched out, it's longer than I am. Used against my back, it usually did a good job of preventing me from rolling over. Likewise, it comfortably alleviated the pressure on my belly when I snuggled up from behind. The 'C' shaped top is meant to be used as a head cushion, but I'm fond of my regular, fluffy pillows from the neck up. 


Personally, I found it a bit uncomfortable used that way, but discovered if I turned the top portion away from me while I slept, it was perfect. Whether my husband appreciated a worm-like poke in the face while he slept is up for debate (he says not so much, but I say I grew a person inside me... rock beats scissors).

Copyright Leachco

Another fun thing about the Snoogle is that it can be used for more than just sleeping. Easily twisted, it also makes for a comfortable back support when wrapped around you during the latest episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" (and it doesn't hinder you from throwing french fries at the TV when a 115 lb woman has a nearly painless delivery on the bathroom floor of a convenience store).

Copyright Leachco

The Snoogle can also be used as a nursing pillow once the baby arrives, although I never tried that function. I had a Boppy Nursing Pillow and my Snoogle was immediately retired to the garage to make room for my husband in bed. He was glad to be back after nine months of wondering whether I was actually on the other side.


All in all, I was impressed and satisfied with this pillow. It was a bit pricey when I bought it (around $70 if I'm not mistaken), but I'd say it was well worth it. My latest Google search showed it on sale from Amazon for just under $50. I would recommend this pillow to any expectant mom in need of a good night's sleep.



Dear Expectant Mom

Dear Expectant Mom: 

You're beautiful. You're not fat; you're making room for one more. You're tired, achy, and irritable because you have a tiny person kicking you all day. On the other hand, you have a tiny person kicking you all day. You pee every ten minutes and you can't climb off the couch without help. Even though you've never slept on your belly or back, those are suddenly the only positions that seem comfortable; and, of course, you can't do that (can you say, "Don't push the red button"?). It sometimes takes an hour before you fall asleep and when you do, you have dreams of dropping the baby. You worry about money and whether you'll be a good enough mom and whether you're gaining too much/not enough weight. Strangers want to rub your stomach and that's the last thing you want to think about since you can't keep any food in it. You have to sleep in a sports bra and you can't even remember the last time you wore cute underwear. Breathe.

You're amazing. What you're doing is remarkable. You're sacrificing so much already for the sake of someone you haven't even seen. Pregnancy isn't just a phase you have to pass through before having a child. It's an involved route on your journey into parenthood. Pregnancy prepares you for the sacrifices, inconveniences, and difficult times ahead. But it also readies you for the wonderful changes that are coming. You don't expect motherhood to be easy, so how could carrying a child be any different?

You're deserving of all good things. You're having nightmares of being an inadequate parent because you care so much about being enough for your child. Good enough. Patient enough. Smart enough. Strong enough. You will be. Motherhood has a learning curve; don't worry. Every mother who ever came before you had the same fears and anxieties. You're doing a great job as a mom already - you're taking your vitamins; you're talking to your baby (even if others think you're crazy); and you're loving your unborn child.

You're strong. Waddling around all day isn't easy. Your hormones are racing in every direction and your husband is afraid to stand too close sometimes. That's okay. He knows you're strong, too (that's why he's hiding the frying pans and baseball bats for the next nine months).

You're going to be a great mom. It's okay to plop down on the couch because you're tired. It's okay to cry because that Chevy commercial was so touching. It's okay to scream into your pillow because you're feeling overwhelmed. It's okay to eat mac 'n cheese every night for a month because it's the only thing that doesn't make you puke. It's okay. Whatever you have to do to cope with stress/worries/fears is okay. 

You're beautiful, amazing, deserving, and strong. Your baby may not be here just yet, but you are already a great mom. And that little stowaway already loves you more than you know.

She Did Just Spit Up, Right?

Babies are a lot like magicians. They begin honing their skills in the hospital with those first attempts at breaking free of the swaddle. Once home, they grow and evolve until even the Velcro blankets (specifically designed to thwart the efforts of tiny escapees) can no longer contain them. It's amazing the first time you see that tiny foot shoot through a hole that wasn't there a minute ago.

Another fun newborn trick is projectile vomiting. For any first-time parent, the sight of that milky gush is terrifying. It's so much. But when she fires a line-drive to Uncle Al from across the room and immediately giggles, she's letting you know not to worry. (Still, it's always best to mention it to the pediatrician just to be safe.)

Her heat-seeking missiles and an impressive ability to wriggle free of a burrito hold are just the beginning. As she gets older, the real trick - the one that keeps you scratching your head long into the night - is the disappearing spit up.

I'm not talking about the ever so graceful slurp of the dangling loogie. I'm talking about the ooze that spews from her mouth and miraculously disappears within seconds. Sure, you found some of it; after all, it landed in your hand (great catch, by the way). You may have even spotted a drop of leftover dribble on her chin, but there are at least two ounces missing. Gone. Vanished.

My theory? I'm convinced babies find worm holes in which to dispose of pesky upchuck. Maybe they use those passageways to another dimension to help us out. Perhaps they see us cleaning up after them all day and think, "Hey. I've got this, Mom." Maybe they do it just to be funny - fodder for the sandbox.

Whatever the reason, the fact remains: she spit up in the kitchen and you found a tiny pool in the living room. You wiped her mouth and searched the area, but none of it landed on her. So how did it pool underneath your butt? You weren't even holding her. Are the alternate universe babies rejecting it? Or maybe they're communicating through a sophisticated code of regurgitated carrots. Did it really just disappear into the abyss of the couch? Or is it traveling through time only to meet you at your ninetieth birthday party?

Regardless of how or why it disappears, only your baby knows the secret. All you can do is wipe up the puddles that surface and wear a catcher's mitt to your next few birthday bashes.

Rolling with the Punches

I wonder if there's a form of martial arts that can be converted into diaper changing defense. I'm thinking the Karate Kid crane technique combined with Tibetan monk meditation. For the first few months, any rookie can change a diaper. Fast, slow - it doesn't really matter. The baby basically just stays where you plop her.  One thing I've learned as a new mom, however, is that the art of diaper duty is constantly changing. Just when you think you're about to break your record, she discovers rolling.

Watching a baby learn and explore is amazing. When she starts rolling from point A to point how-the-heck-did-you-get-over-there, it quickly evolves into a new lifestyle for you both. Now that she's becoming mobile and learning how to move independently, those skills don't stop at the floor.

What was once a pesky interruption transforms into a game of one-on-one. It's bad enough when your little wiggler twists and turns all over the changing table as you play whack-a-mole with the baby wipe. It's another thing entirely when all you have is the floor and some good intentions.

No rails quickly translates into free reign for your twisty little mover. Your ankle hold suddenly lacks conviction. Oh, sure; it's funny until she flips onto her belly and makes a break for it - before the new diaper is in place. Now you're dealing with: 1) catching a crafty little scooter before she finds a dead bug; and 2) thwarting your escapee before she sprinkles the floor in her birthday suit.

My advice: get fast - quick. Use a toy or a clean diaper to distract her (don't get too comfortable - you may need to switch out a different object several times a day). Play with her so that you become more interesting than the box of wipes behind her head (and don't feel bad when you're not more interesting than the box). Blowing on her tummy and singing songs can go a long way to keeping her belly up. And for those messier diapers... well, hold your breath and pray.

Just Call Me "Boob"

"Mom". "Mama". "Mommy". That's my name now, isn't it? I'm pretty sure for the first six months of her life, my daughter just knew me as "Boob". While breastfeeding does wonders for health and bonding, the side effects are downright funny.

While feeding, your baby might gaze at you with unbridled adoration. She sees her protector; the one who keeps her safe and loved. Five minutes earlier, however, she was Wile E. Coyote. Face it: you were a juicy bird and she would've dropped an anvil on you for a taste.

Actually, newborns, regardless of gender, are a lot like many teenage boys. They only see what's on your chest, they'll squirm for as long as it takes to get to them, and once there, they've lost interest.

Similarly is their love/hate relationship with those same sandbags. Why else would they insist on those roundhouse kicks to your sternum as they snack? Bruises aside, one thing you can always count on (at least in the early days) is the diaper blowout five minutes into each feeding.

Being associated with a food source isn't all bad, but don't kid yourself into thinking yours are the only tater tots she's after. When it comes to other female friends and relatives, your little explorer is all about new conquests. Hopefully, your visitors won't mind an occasional roving hand or subsequent wardrobe malfunction or take offense to a little lip smacking. After all, she's just looking for an afternoon snack.

Here's My Baby Bump! Where's My Wallet?

Who knew pregnancy was so costly? Sure, we've all heard it before: "Kids are expensive." We know that. What we didn't know was how much cash it takes preparing for, and finally entering, pregnancy. Apparently, those adorably sticky fingers start pick-pocketing in utero. No matter how many books I read, I didn't expect that.

If yours is a planned pregnancy, get ready to drop some cash. And depending how long it takes the stork to meander to your door, you might just fork out enough cash to pay the salaries of a few EPT executives.

That's right - the pregnancy test. Who knew you could actually master the art of peeing on a plastic stick? I believe the saying goes, "She who never dribbled on her hand has earned the right to proudly stand." Okay, so maybe it's not a widely known saying, but it doesn't make it any less true. I'll bet you didn't expect those pretty, pink predictors to take such a big chunk of your earnings. A box or two might not phase you; after all, only $10 gets you a two-pack. Feeling fancy? Go ahead and splurge on the digital ones. They'll only run you another five bucks. But when that second, third, and fourth month roll around, you'll start to feel your debit card receding into places unknown. Especially when you just know you're going to get that second line this month.

Ovulation predictor kits are another staple of the Fingers Crossed Society. Ranging from an average of $15 for seven to nearly $50 for a one month supply, you'll almost expect them to throw the baby in with the sticks.

It's happened! You got the plus sign or the smiley face (aren't you sophisticated?). Congratulations! Now that you're finished with the pre-pregnancy add-ons, that pittance of a salary might begin to climb again, right? Ha. Welcome to the exciting world of the expanding gut. Now that you can toss out the soggy sticks, along with the stop watch, it's time to add pre-natal vitamins (if you haven't already) and maternity clothes to your budget. Big deal; a few pairs of stretchy pants and some big t-shirts. Well, that's not all. 

Get ready to hit intimate apparel in a whole new way. Gone (for now, anyway) are the days of frolicking in Victoria's Secret to find that sexy, lace number or the newest, heavenly push-up. Instead you'll be running to the nearest Target for some cotton grannies. You may fight it at first, but your increased appetite isn't limited to your stomach. That ever growing derriere will quickly have you turning pro in the world of Ultimate Wedgie. Don't forget the twins 6 inches below your chin. They'll double in size and scream for a more comfortable bra.

It's no surprise daycare will consume a large portion of what's left of your paycheck. What may surprise you is the price of adding your first kid to your health insurance plan. Premiums ranging from $400 to $600 per month for a healthy newborn seem pretty standard, if jaw-dropping. On the other hand, learning that mere weeks before your due date is a great way to induce labor.

While it's true your wallet will shrink as quickly as your belly will swell, there will be some pretty invaluable perks along the way. Ice cream for dinner and your boss hijacking garbage duties are great, but it's that first flutter that really hits you. Despite the multitude of unexpected and pricey odds and ends, the first time you hear your baby's heartbeat is absolutely priceless.

Hello, Baby. So Long, Sleep.

Ah, the Snoogle. Sleep wedge. Pregnancy pillow. It's funny how one 'C' shaped cushion can stir such different emotions. To a pregnant woman, it's a soft embrace cradling her and her child each night. The only conceivable way to get any sleep with a growing melon a few inches from her boobs. To the tired husband, it's a ridiculous question mark spooning his wife and poking him in the face as he sleeps. He knows it's a necessary evil if the mother of his child wants any rest, but that doesn't stop his fantasy of hoisting it into the dumpster in all its floppy and misshapen glory.

Priorities shift at different points in our lives. Children change you. Everyone knows this. Parents experience the polar change firsthand. Others accept it as fact in the same way we know being hit by a car is painful without feeling the need to kiss the underside of a Chevy. But it's the unexpected changes to the overlooked bits and pieces of daily life that I'm talking about.

Sleep. Oh, yes. I remember you. Sleep is that relationship you had years ago that you always took for granted. Sure, it was on-again, off-again and you always found your way back to each other, but you never truly appreciated all it did for you. It might have been clingy at times and demanding more of a commitment than you were prepared to make, but you strung it along because it was comfortable.

That was the Sleep you used to know. Sleep, once pregnancy has settled in, becomes the bitter ex determined to win the post breakup who's-life-sucks-less competition. It conveniently shows up uninvited and seductively glides through the room to remind you just how good you had it before.

Don't worry; that will pass. Eventually, your child will be born and you will have romanticized the memory of Sleep to the point where you can't believe you ever had a shot with it at all. Here's the upside: you will by then have found yourself in a perpetual state of exhaustion where you're also convinced your pre-pregnancy weight was 98 pounds and that you always appreciated everything your mother did for you. The point is, pregnancy brain never left and you can't ever really trust those foggy memories of yours again. Shake it off, have a yawn, and move that Snoogle to the garage for next time - just keep an eye on your husband when trash day rolls around. Sleep may be too elusive for a mere pillow these days, but there's nothing like a gummy grin to lift the haze of exhaustion. You'll sleep tomorrow - for now, it's time to play.