Infants and Parolees: Not So Different, After All

During their first year of life, babies are a lot like newly released prison inmates. After spending nine months in isolation, they need some time to adjust to life on the outside. And like their criminal counterparts, they've used their time getting fit.

Amniotic aerobics must really work those core muscles, because all babies are blessed with superhuman strength. Sure, it tapers off as they get older, but once the shock of birth has worn off, for a short time, they remember their training on the inside.

Some infants are boxers. Those tiny jabs to the kidneys during the third trimester suddenly make sense. With no room for an actual punching bag, your kid is nothing if not resourceful. Now free to roam the carpeted and baby-proofed world, you can't figure out why he insists on punching you in the gut when you go in for a hug.

Others prefer kickboxing. Your bladder knew which type of parolee you'd have long before she was born. Your boobs had an inkling as they withstood blow after blow of roundhouse kicks during nursing. Even your husband couldn't help but notice the bruises developing during "play time".

Luckily, your bruised and battered body has enough wear left to survive. The really interesting part is watching your sweetie harness and embrace his developing powers. Witnessing a rubber ducky as it's hurled through space and time warrants more than a "What an arm" remark.

Likewise, when your little angel realizes she can single-footedly prevent you from attaching the tray to her high chair, it's a proud day. With so much leg strength, your measly arms just don't measure up to the one-two combination of kicks knocking that tray off the tracks.

So the question is, how do you suffer injury and delay of meals with a straight face? How do you find that medium between keeping your sense of humor while showing your baby who's boss? After all, you don't want to risk becoming the "bad parent" so many people have warned you about. The answer? Here it is. Wait for it. Oh, it's coming.

All new parents are asking that same question. Seasoned parents will be happy to tell you as soon as they get the kids to bed, wash the dishes, fold the laundry... what was the question again?

The truth is, there is no magical medium. Sometimes all you can do is close your eyes and count to ten. It's just a perk that trying to stifle your laughter looks remarkably like controlling your temper. (The kids don't need to know that secret until they have children of their own.) Besides, you have his entire childhood to raise him properly, while her super strength will only last a little while.