Rolling with the Punches

I wonder if there's a form of martial arts that can be converted into diaper changing defense. I'm thinking the Karate Kid crane technique combined with Tibetan monk meditation. For the first few months, any rookie can change a diaper. Fast, slow - it doesn't really matter. The baby basically just stays where you plop her.  One thing I've learned as a new mom, however, is that the art of diaper duty is constantly changing. Just when you think you're about to break your record, she discovers rolling.

Watching a baby learn and explore is amazing. When she starts rolling from point A to point how-the-heck-did-you-get-over-there, it quickly evolves into a new lifestyle for you both. Now that she's becoming mobile and learning how to move independently, those skills don't stop at the floor.

What was once a pesky interruption transforms into a game of one-on-one. It's bad enough when your little wiggler twists and turns all over the changing table as you play whack-a-mole with the baby wipe. It's another thing entirely when all you have is the floor and some good intentions.

No rails quickly translates into free reign for your twisty little mover. Your ankle hold suddenly lacks conviction. Oh, sure; it's funny until she flips onto her belly and makes a break for it - before the new diaper is in place. Now you're dealing with: 1) catching a crafty little scooter before she finds a dead bug; and 2) thwarting your escapee before she sprinkles the floor in her birthday suit.

My advice: get fast - quick. Use a toy or a clean diaper to distract her (don't get too comfortable - you may need to switch out a different object several times a day). Play with her so that you become more interesting than the box of wipes behind her head (and don't feel bad when you're not more interesting than the box). Blowing on her tummy and singing songs can go a long way to keeping her belly up. And for those messier diapers... well, hold your breath and pray.

Just Call Me "Boob"

"Mom". "Mama". "Mommy". That's my name now, isn't it? I'm pretty sure for the first six months of her life, my daughter just knew me as "Boob". While breastfeeding does wonders for health and bonding, the side effects are downright funny.

While feeding, your baby might gaze at you with unbridled adoration. She sees her protector; the one who keeps her safe and loved. Five minutes earlier, however, she was Wile E. Coyote. Face it: you were a juicy bird and she would've dropped an anvil on you for a taste.

Actually, newborns, regardless of gender, are a lot like many teenage boys. They only see what's on your chest, they'll squirm for as long as it takes to get to them, and once there, they've lost interest.

Similarly is their love/hate relationship with those same sandbags. Why else would they insist on those roundhouse kicks to your sternum as they snack? Bruises aside, one thing you can always count on (at least in the early days) is the diaper blowout five minutes into each feeding.

Being associated with a food source isn't all bad, but don't kid yourself into thinking yours are the only tater tots she's after. When it comes to other female friends and relatives, your little explorer is all about new conquests. Hopefully, your visitors won't mind an occasional roving hand or subsequent wardrobe malfunction or take offense to a little lip smacking. After all, she's just looking for an afternoon snack.

Here's My Baby Bump! Where's My Wallet?

Who knew pregnancy was so costly? Sure, we've all heard it before: "Kids are expensive." We know that. What we didn't know was how much cash it takes preparing for, and finally entering, pregnancy. Apparently, those adorably sticky fingers start pick-pocketing in utero. No matter how many books I read, I didn't expect that.

If yours is a planned pregnancy, get ready to drop some cash. And depending how long it takes the stork to meander to your door, you might just fork out enough cash to pay the salaries of a few EPT executives.

That's right - the pregnancy test. Who knew you could actually master the art of peeing on a plastic stick? I believe the saying goes, "She who never dribbled on her hand has earned the right to proudly stand." Okay, so maybe it's not a widely known saying, but it doesn't make it any less true. I'll bet you didn't expect those pretty, pink predictors to take such a big chunk of your earnings. A box or two might not phase you; after all, only $10 gets you a two-pack. Feeling fancy? Go ahead and splurge on the digital ones. They'll only run you another five bucks. But when that second, third, and fourth month roll around, you'll start to feel your debit card receding into places unknown. Especially when you just know you're going to get that second line this month.

Ovulation predictor kits are another staple of the Fingers Crossed Society. Ranging from an average of $15 for seven to nearly $50 for a one month supply, you'll almost expect them to throw the baby in with the sticks.

It's happened! You got the plus sign or the smiley face (aren't you sophisticated?). Congratulations! Now that you're finished with the pre-pregnancy add-ons, that pittance of a salary might begin to climb again, right? Ha. Welcome to the exciting world of the expanding gut. Now that you can toss out the soggy sticks, along with the stop watch, it's time to add pre-natal vitamins (if you haven't already) and maternity clothes to your budget. Big deal; a few pairs of stretchy pants and some big t-shirts. Well, that's not all. 

Get ready to hit intimate apparel in a whole new way. Gone (for now, anyway) are the days of frolicking in Victoria's Secret to find that sexy, lace number or the newest, heavenly push-up. Instead you'll be running to the nearest Target for some cotton grannies. You may fight it at first, but your increased appetite isn't limited to your stomach. That ever growing derriere will quickly have you turning pro in the world of Ultimate Wedgie. Don't forget the twins 6 inches below your chin. They'll double in size and scream for a more comfortable bra.

It's no surprise daycare will consume a large portion of what's left of your paycheck. What may surprise you is the price of adding your first kid to your health insurance plan. Premiums ranging from $400 to $600 per month for a healthy newborn seem pretty standard, if jaw-dropping. On the other hand, learning that mere weeks before your due date is a great way to induce labor.

While it's true your wallet will shrink as quickly as your belly will swell, there will be some pretty invaluable perks along the way. Ice cream for dinner and your boss hijacking garbage duties are great, but it's that first flutter that really hits you. Despite the multitude of unexpected and pricey odds and ends, the first time you hear your baby's heartbeat is absolutely priceless.

Hello, Baby. So Long, Sleep.

Ah, the Snoogle. Sleep wedge. Pregnancy pillow. It's funny how one 'C' shaped cushion can stir such different emotions. To a pregnant woman, it's a soft embrace cradling her and her child each night. The only conceivable way to get any sleep with a growing melon a few inches from her boobs. To the tired husband, it's a ridiculous question mark spooning his wife and poking him in the face as he sleeps. He knows it's a necessary evil if the mother of his child wants any rest, but that doesn't stop his fantasy of hoisting it into the dumpster in all its floppy and misshapen glory.

Priorities shift at different points in our lives. Children change you. Everyone knows this. Parents experience the polar change firsthand. Others accept it as fact in the same way we know being hit by a car is painful without feeling the need to kiss the underside of a Chevy. But it's the unexpected changes to the overlooked bits and pieces of daily life that I'm talking about.

Sleep. Oh, yes. I remember you. Sleep is that relationship you had years ago that you always took for granted. Sure, it was on-again, off-again and you always found your way back to each other, but you never truly appreciated all it did for you. It might have been clingy at times and demanding more of a commitment than you were prepared to make, but you strung it along because it was comfortable.

That was the Sleep you used to know. Sleep, once pregnancy has settled in, becomes the bitter ex determined to win the post breakup who's-life-sucks-less competition. It conveniently shows up uninvited and seductively glides through the room to remind you just how good you had it before.

Don't worry; that will pass. Eventually, your child will be born and you will have romanticized the memory of Sleep to the point where you can't believe you ever had a shot with it at all. Here's the upside: you will by then have found yourself in a perpetual state of exhaustion where you're also convinced your pre-pregnancy weight was 98 pounds and that you always appreciated everything your mother did for you. The point is, pregnancy brain never left and you can't ever really trust those foggy memories of yours again. Shake it off, have a yawn, and move that Snoogle to the garage for next time - just keep an eye on your husband when trash day rolls around. Sleep may be too elusive for a mere pillow these days, but there's nothing like a gummy grin to lift the haze of exhaustion. You'll sleep tomorrow - for now, it's time to play.

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